i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
