upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
