Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
