By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
