Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
