You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
