I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
