So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
