Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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