i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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