great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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