i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
