I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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