Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Houston, we have a squirter
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
