took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
