I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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