I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
