We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
porn star boner night. come get it.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
