This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
