The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
