Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
