my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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