Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
