The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
