Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
