So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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