My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
