I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
