I puked a lego.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
