how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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