You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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