the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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