So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
