my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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