theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
