Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
