It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
