I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
