he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
