Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
