How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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