At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
