Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
