I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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