I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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