fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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