Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
