Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
