69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
sarcasm needs its own font
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
