I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The adults are the big ones right?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
