lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
