Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
