i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
