if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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