One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
